Toilet Humour?

This is a hotel sign giving directions for the toilets:

Toiletsign

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged | Leave a comment

It’s the same the world over…

If you smiled at the poem in the previous post, you might like this calypso:

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

There’s Goins-on in Them Thur Hills…

Apparently, this Hillbilly ‘love’ poem won a poetry prize in West Virginia in 1912:

HillBillyPoem

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Is romance dead?

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. 
  
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while 
she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. 
  
She texted: 
  
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. 
  
If you are laughing, send me your smile. 
  
If you are eating, send me a bite. 
  
If you are drinking, send me a sip. 
  
If you are crying, send me your tears. 
  
I love you. 
  
  
  
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back: 
  
I’m on the toilet.                       Please advise. 
  
  
  
(Brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it?) 
 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!

 
 

  

 We Must Stop This Immediately
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper.  Groceries areheavier.  And, everything isfurther away.  Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover howlong    our street had become! 
cid:000801ca0c64$099df450$3082AAB5@curleycomputerAnd, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones.  They speak in whispers   all the time!  If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they’re red in the face!  What do they think I am, a lip reader?
cid:000901ca0c64$099df450$3082AAB5@curleycomputerI also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.  On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am.  I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn’t even recognize me.
cid:000a01ca0c64$099df450$3082AAB5@curleycomputerI got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection.Well, REALLY NOW  -  even mirrors are not made the way they used to be! 
cid:000b01ca0c64$099df450$3082AAB5@curleycomputerAnother thing, everyone drives so fastthese days!  You’re risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the motorway in front of them.  All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
cid:000c01ca0c64$099df450$3082AAB5@curleycomputerClothing manufacturers are less civilized these days.  Why else would they suddenly start labelling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20?  Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank.  Do they think I actually ‘believe’ the number I see on that dial?  HA!  I would never let myself weigh that much!  Just who do these people think they’re fooling? 
cid:000d01ca0c64$099df450$3082AAB5@curleycomputerI’d like to call up someone in authority to report what’s going on — but thetelephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they’ve printed the phone books in such small   type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning:
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! 


Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities. 

cid:000e01ca0c64$099df450$3082AAB5@curleycomputer
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED! 
cid:000f01ca0c64$099df450$3082AAB5@curleycomputerPS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer’s fonts – they are smaller than they once were.

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

To all of us who are getting on a bit…..

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure.’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’ He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks..
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

‘Where’s my toast?’



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’

‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’



Hospital regulationsrequire a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’

‘Because she can still drive!’



A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’
‘Really,’ answered the neighbor. ‘What kind is it?’

‘Twelve thirty.’



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’



One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Irish Railways

The following is purported to be an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history.  The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company

Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and indeed I think you are the ones who are confused in your history
If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass
That Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years

Yours truly
Patrick Finnegan

 

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment