The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester, just off Deans gate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework…

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’ 
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

Holy Humor

 

**A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!” His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means? The son replied, “I do know!” “Okay,” said his father. “What does the Bible mean?” “That’s easy, Daddy…” the young boy replied excitedly,” It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’ (This one is my favorite) ======= There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. “Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk. “Only the Ten Commandments.” answered the lady. ======== “Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and          there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.” ======== A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our          trespasses.” When he returned, he found a citation from a police          officer along with this note “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.” ======== There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.” ======== While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached          to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign… “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.” ======== A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?” A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy. “Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked. “You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven…          ” ======== A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. “Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.” The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.” ======== People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention. ======== Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.” Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about. He said “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.” ======== The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. “Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play following the announcement I will make about the finances.” During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.” At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.” And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Some Corkers‏

—–

 

Oh, What a Wonderful World!

Scroll down and enjoy!

Wonderful water droplets:


Mountain-side farming in the province of Bolzano (Bozen) in Italy:

Lenticular Clouds above South Georgia Island:

Colourful Desserts:

The Crooked Forest:

Cuban land snail:

Firework (long exposure shot):

The Fish House Singapore:

Brightly Flowering Cacti:

Field of flowers:

The Fly Geyser, Nevada, USA:

Frozen waterfall Slovenia:

Gardening Apartment, Thailand:

Beautiful hanging lounger:

Big Island, Hawaii:

The pink and lovely…” Hiller Lake ” ( Western Australia )
Its startling colour remains a mystery and while scientists have proven it’s not due to the presence of algae, unlike the other salt lakes down under, they still can’t explain why it’s pink:

Piano and Violin Building Huainan, China:

“A Room With A View” Jade Mountain Resort St Lucia:

Komodo Island, Indonesia:

World’s largest cave found in Vietnam:

Lavender Field, France:

54-story twisting tower in Malmo, Sweden:

The Breathtaking Melissani Cave in Greece:

Meteora Greece:

The gap between Europe and the United States is widening – by one inch a year. This photograph shows the vast gap between the two tectonic plates, as seen by a British scuba diver. Alex Mustard, 36, dived 80 feet into the crevice between North America and Eurasia to reveal the stunning landscape.The area – near Iceland – is riddled with faults, valleys, volcanoes and hot springs , caused by the plates pulling apart at about 1 inch per year:

Full moon:

Snowy Night, Moscow, Russia:

‘Natural Architecture’ of Italy:

Niagara Falls – The Edge:

Grotta Palazzese, a restaurant located inside an ancient cave facing the Adriatic Sea:

A Room with a View:

Another Room with a View:

Christmas Lights, Selangor , Malaysia:

Freedom Park Charlotte, North Carolina, USA:

An onlooker of the annular solar eclipse witnesses the celestial event on May 20, 2012 at Albuquerque, New Mexico, USA:

To Sua Ocean Trench – Upolu, Western Samoa:

Vermillion Cliffs National Monument, Arizona:

Tree House:

The danger of making copies from copies ..

The danger of making copies from copies ….

He is assigned to helping the other monks

in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks

are copying from copies, 
not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, 
pointing out that if someone made even a small error

in the first copy, it would never be picked up!

In fact, that error would be continued

in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, 
‘We have been copying from the copies for centuries, 
but you make a good point, my son.’

He goes down into the dark caves

underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts

are held as archives in a locked vault

that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried

and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

We missed the R!!

We missed the R!!

We missed the damn R!!!

His forehead is all bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, ‘What’s wrong, father?’

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,

‘The word was…

CELEB R ATE

I just wanted to take this opportunity in wishing you ALL

 

A VERY HAPPY EASTER

 

TO YOU ALL

 

 

 

Life in Russia pre First World war…

The photographs in this slide show are a fascinating insight into life in late Czarist Russia – click the link to download and enjoy:

ProkudinGorskii1

Why can’t I think of things like this to say?

· A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”

· “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

· “He had delusions of adequacy.” - Walter Kerr

· “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” - Winston Churchill

· “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”Clarence Darrow

· “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

· “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” - Moses Hadas

· “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” - Mark Twain

· “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..” - Oscar Wilde

· “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

· “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second … If there is one.” - Winston Churchill, in response.

· “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” - Stephen Bishop

· “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - John Bright

· “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” - Irvin S. Cobb

· “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” - Samuel Johnson

· “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” - Paul Keating

· “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” - Charles, Count Talleyrand

· “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” - Forrest Tucker

· “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” - Mark Twain

· “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” - Mae West

· “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” - Oscar Wilde

· “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… For support rather than illumination.” - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

· “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” - Billy Wilder

· “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening.But this wasn’t it.” - Groucho Marx